Apathy Busting Cupcakes

I can honestly say one of the most vague and difficult non motor effects of Parkinson’s Disease is how I view my world and how that then impacts how I interact with the people and situations within it.

I suppose looking back I was always a bit of an introvert with extrovert tendencies! Socialising was always fun and I loved going out, chatting, planning things with friends, clothes shopping for an evening out and then reminiscing fondly afterwards about what a great time I had had… but…. there were often times when I felt a bit overwhelmed. I would feel pretty exhausted after a social event and even times when I felt so overwhelmed that I would look for a reason to cancel. Now the impact of the latter feeling was totally negative – not just a brief reaction but one that would linger and bring me quite low. I never used to be kind to myself, oh no, I would reprimand myself and then go on a huge guilt trip.

Why are we so understanding of others yet incredibly hard on ourselves?

So this pattern would play out. Low confidence wanting to hide away and then the negative thought pattern. In retrospect this insidious process stealthily crept in a number of years before my first motor symptom occurred. I now understand the impact the damage in my brain causes and can register certain feelings I experience as being in direct response to low dopamine. An example is last year when my Parkinson’s wasn’t being medicated adequately enough I would, every morning without fail, have a panic attack. The feeling of doom was pretty huge and I would dread what the day had in store for me. By my lunchtime dose of meds my mood would quickly lift and then the rest of the day would not be spent jumping at my own shadow or breaking out into a cold sweat if someone suggested I walk under a ladder, I should see a lone magpie or God forbid I found crossed knives in the kitchen horror of horrors! All bonkers stuff in a dopamine-rich reality but the thought process when you’re in deficit can be draining to say the least. So all of the overt reactions are quite obvious and in a sense tangible so easier to treat. What I struggle with now are the little nuances of anxiety, my feelings of unwelcome apathy that discourage me from reading the book because let’s face it I can’t be bothered and by tomorrow I will have forgotten what I had read and need to read it again anyway. The walk that I know deep down would make me feel so much better and help clear my head but can I really be bothered to get my coat on, which happens to be upstairs, dig my shoes out and then I may go ‘off’ mid walk and get stuck (in reality this would probably not happen) so do you know what I’m going to stay put!

Parkinson’s Disease is crafty and sneaks in when you’re not looking and talks you out of doing normal things.

It really does! I don’t like this aspect one bit. It has the power to change the colour palette of my day from bright colours to murky smears which I’m sorry I’m just not having! So what can I do? What I do is go into the kitchen and bake and decorate cupcakes. They’re easy to make and no particular skill is needed in creating a sweet, colourful thing of beauty. I think being engulfed by a heady cloud of icing sugar also has restorative qualities for me. Ok I’m messy and my kitchen looks like a scientific experiment has gone seriously wrong at the end of my baking session but I’ve distracted myself for an hour, music is usually playing helping to lift my mood, I’ve produced something my kind family will oo and ah over, also lifting my mood, I get to sample my product (quality control no other reason you understand) and I get to lick the spoon!! What’s not to love. But most importantly of all I feel so much better in my headspace….it’s clearer, the brighter colours are there again. It’s like I’ve pressed a reset button. Ok tomorrow I might be on top of the world rushing here and there in between med doses or I might be grounded again in which case I’ll try to figure my feelings out if I need to.

Thank you for reading.